I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
