That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
