the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
