Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I stole a fireplace last night.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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