the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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