Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
