im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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