I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize