If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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