i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
