Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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