I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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