Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
