Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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