i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
