Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
