You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize