No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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