Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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