New invention idea: vibrating tampons
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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