you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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