Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
