Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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