I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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