Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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