Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
