Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
