To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize