her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
