nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
