I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
