it hurts more in the daytime
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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