I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize