I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i love accidental penises.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
