I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
