there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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