is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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