I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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