you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
That accounts for only three of the penises
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
