Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
