Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
