I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize