and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
