I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
