I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
