spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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