My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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