Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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