I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize