i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
