Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
