i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I am spending my child support on dildos
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
