I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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