I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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