The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
