I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
