Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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