Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
