there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
