theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
